The Edge of Eighteen: New Year, New Me

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  I was in a bad place before this year started, creating these blogs has help me in such tremendous ways. It made me get my thoughts out there when no one else was there to listen to them. This year I poured my deepest thoughts, opinions and emotions to the series. I hope you enjoyed reading them just as much I enjoyed writing them. Don’t get me wrong I still have a lot of things to fix in my life but I feel like I’ve come along way this year. Its crazy how much a person can progress in just one year. Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or if you know someone who is going through some of the struggles I have been through, you made me feel not alone even if one person is reading this or 200 people as long as I can somehow help or speak out and say that you’re not alone in this.

   This is all I’ve got so I’m gonna make the most of it. High school is just four years of your life it’s not an eternity. High school doesn’t last forever, so love irrationally, care as much as you can, laugh as if you never gonna laugh again, and as they say dance as if nobody’s watching. There’s one moment where I am not just a sad story, I think of the most amazing memories I’ve created this year with the people I love the most. In this moment I swear that I am infinite.

   This year has proved to me how much I changed as a person this year I went from 16 to 17 years old and learned that sadness and happiness comes and goes all the time. I always have this recurring thought that there’s so much more life than were afforded, those times we start to discover the  finding of my true self and the pursuit of happiness.

   This year has taught me what exhaustion, depression and what anxiety feels like. Everyday I interacted with people who only have this one dimensional perspective on life. I had to deal with fake friends and always having this perspective on trying to impress people and I wonder how I keep getting caught in these loops of depression. I find I do what I have to, more than I do what I want. Jim Carey once said “depression is your body telling you it’s tired of playing a character”, I feel like I can relate to that a a lot based on this year alone. Always saying your fine when your not, playing that character everyday. I had to learn how to deal with rejection and guilt. And in the event that breaks you, let it break you because you’ll learn and grow from it. My newspaper teacher Brittany Glidden inspired me to seek help and I have, due to my social anxiety. I’m proud to say I am in counseling and it is helping me every day to have better social interaction skills in school and out of school. That is something I am proud to say I accomplished this year.

   One of the worst things I’ve done this past year is compare myself to others. It was and still is a  habit that I have. I’m learning to stop this ongoing cycle that I have with this issue. Why should I even compare myself to other people? Sometimes I think that I’m not good enough for anyone. In the end we are all humans and all unique, so what makes a person beautiful? I believe that everyone’s time will come, everyone has their own pace and way to everything just because mine may take a little longer does it mean I won’t be just as successful as them. It doesn’t mean that my journey is less valuable either. Great things take time, they take patience, practice and persistence. Think to yourself now that you are enough and no one is never going to be like you ever. I had gotten to the point where it was more important for me to feel proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people think of me. I have learned how to do that in these last few months, it has changed my perspective on everything in my life, on how to truly love myself for who I am. I realized that when I stopped caring what people were saying about me I noticed how strong I am and I learned how to have compassion for myself. ” I feel like a person can learn so much in a year and change as a person, I have changed a lot this year for the better.” stated Adrian Sanchez (class of 2020).

   I must learn to believe in myself, and it’s OK to not feel OK, it’s OK to cry. I feel like everybody has someone out there who is their person. If you love yourself to a certain extent, you teach the other person to love you to that extent also. I have to work on unconditionally loving myself first so when it comes to relationship with anyone you don’t accept anything less than that. Don’t settle for less when you know you deserve better.

   If you don’t believe that can never get out of depression or anxiety, then it will take over you, like it has for me. All the mistakes I’ve done this year, all the regrets I can think of I must learn to let them go, that’s the past I can’t change anything that has already happened, learn from your mistakes, know that it will get better.

   Next year I turn 18, I can’t lie and say that I’m prepared to become a adult because I certainly am not, I’m scared to begin this new chapter of my life and go on my own. Thinking of being an adult makes me realize how much that I’m going to go through. Everyone has to start somewhere. No matter what you went through in 2018, this upcoming New Year is a way to start fresh.

   Do not close yourself off or shut yourself down, your heart will be shaped and reshaped but in the end it will still be yours, you’ll adapt to become a better version of yourself. To me all that matters is if you love yourself. No matter what, keep that self-love alive before anything or anyone else.

   My final words of advice is that cutting people out of your life doesn’t mean you hate them it simply means you respect yourself and sometimes people won’t understand that. If it’s for the better than let them go, the memories you have with people will remain but letting that negativity out of your life will help you grow as a whole.

We are all scared of something but its not until you face your fear that you realize your power and that’s when you grow. That’s what we all want, we  want to feel proud of who we are as individuals. You can do it if you believe you can do it. Learn to love yourself because no one is perfect. I’m not who I was one year ago and maybe, just this once, change is good.

May this upcoming year for you be amazing. I hope you enjoyed my last blog post of the year hopefully this blog encouraged you to be a more positive person next year, like I intend to be.